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Interview with Alfred

Interview with Alfred

In a display of metalinguistics selfreference, the local newspaper of the game "The chafarder's news" interviews the main character of it

How do you get the leading role of  this video game?

I don't remember. That day I was completely drunk

Then, are those rumours about your drug and alcohol past times true ?

I spent most of my childhood getting in and out of reform schools due to drugs like glue, bleech, condensed milk, nutella and fairy. In the morning before going to assault grannies in the park, I woke up with Elvis Presley’s music and had bourbon based breakfast. After the tough journey I had to take a shower, as I was running and sweating like crazy and not like the programmer s of this game, who woke up at 2pm and spend the day seated in a comfy chair playing galaxian at the PC! But I have rehabilitated myself completely, and I am now fully integrated in the market society

Do you mean now you buy now Ricky Martin records?

Having rehabilitated myself doesn’t mean I got worst. On the contrary, I prefer now Chuck Berry, Deep Purple, Metallica, AC/DC, Black Crowes...

Then, are you rehabilitated from your alcohol problems?

I don’t have alcohol problems, but problems with the police patrol because of my bad breath

Don’t you feel yourself merchandise?

Life of a videogames actor is tough. You have to be able to play your role at any time. As soon as I get tired and feel a simple vase, I will quit and put a flower in my head

Why were you so bad? Perhaps you didn’t overcome Oedipus complex?

If I didn’t overcome that is because my mom doesn’t want to, besides I don’t want to talk about my childhood

Is it true that your dad is dying in jail?

No idea, Is the first think I heard about him for a long time. One day said bye and God knows whee he is

Do you think is moral that you are the hero of a videogame?

Why not? Wasn’t the creator of the Nobel prices the inventor of dynamite? What about that famous swine, Robin Hood, made fortune stealing from normal people who were just trying to enjoy a bit of sun in the park of Sherwood. And what about the Lazarillo de Tormes, who took food from the blind before the charity shops were invented? Even Jesus Christ himself punished honest self-employed, who were trading in the temple and now he seats on God’s right. At the left there are those self-employed who affiliated to the workers union. In short, all great men make mistakes. Wise is the one who learn and change

Are you suggesting you are wise as Aristotle?

Don’t be deceived. I changed but not because I learnt, but because I was mistaken

You what?

Yes, for what they told me the day they offered me the role, I slip in in the trials because I was so drunk that I got the wrong door and instead of getting in the bar, which is where I was meant to go to play at the videogames, I got in the door by its side where they were selecting the actor to be ALFRED PELROCK, and because the test was to act like a drunk person…

And what about love?

Every night I dream with a princess of about 20-30 years, brunette, blue eyed, attractive and willing to travel

Do you think you will find her?

That’s what it’s all about

And those dreams, those time-space travels that you tell us, won’t that be a consequence of drug abuse? Won’t be your brain affected?

I am happy that you ask me that question because I want to point out that… mmm… what did you ask me? Sorry, I just had a black out

Don’t worry, you answered my question perfectly. Well tell us a bit about this adventure

It’s about a guy, who is myself, that goes to Greece and they ask him if all the Egyptians lie, but He is not Egyptian and there is a crocodile in the deeps of the river. Well, I didn’t tell you anything about that thing of the time travel and God knows about some recipe with some ingredients… I don’t remember… What was I telling you ? Oh yes,  The Egyptian ended up not being a liar, but he is neighbour from another who has a psychiatrist cousin who cure you of the pumpkin. Also, there is this tedious guy trying to sell me an encyclopaedia, and the police who has a silly daughter because she looks like her father, even though nobody can assure that the police is the father… Mmmm…. I think I screw it up… I told you he went to Greece and is not Greece, but Egypt. Greece is my next adventure. Well, it doesn’t matter: He goes somewhere. Well, the truth is that it does matter because everything happens through pyramids. Ah, almost forgot. Also travels in time, because I didn’t tell you but everything is because a girl’s fault, who died but is not dead because I am travelling in time  and is not dead anymore… Well, she is a little bit like, how can I put this? Like that, you know.. women… and clemen-nules are the best. And I work in a fast food restaurant, but what I always liked is holidays, but not in Catarroja. And if you think that wasn’t enough, everybody mistakes me for Elvis ,and nobody wants to haggle although is habit. I even sing: la, lala la ala. And God is no one nor three, I am telling you! There are more! And about the prostitute, I better no tell you… By the way, won’t you have condoms?


Shit, there’s no way